some things, weren't meant to last
Some days I stay up at night starring at your name..
and concentrate on you, hoping you'd say hi.
On other days I even open a window, and start to type..
but then I close it without sending.
Now and then I'm happy that you are hurt..
cause at the very least you still feel something.
Other times I wish I could stand up for myself and pour all my anger onto you.
Even when everyone says I should give up on this I'm still holding on..
and hoping that one day we can settle our differences and let the elephant below the carpet find it's final resting place somewhere else.
This supposed to be a special one.. but I could not make it special..
I wish.. I wish you a good night
#116
You are there
but not here
You are within range
but out of reach
I only had doubts
but now I only have regrets
I wish you were here
but you want me to disappear
I'm trying to control myself
but I'm losing control over myself
I wish I would die
but that would be a lie
I should only feel broke
Instead I still feel hope
I promised to keep away
but still hoping you won't stay away
I'm starting to lose my head
but I hoped you'd understand
I always try to see the best in people
but you have no emotions like the rest of people
I know it's for the best
but I still can't rest
I shouldn't have let you fool me
you only wanted to use me
I know I should wish you luck
but somehow I don't give a fuck
#115
Friendship is overrated
Trust is overrated
Love is overrated
#114
Friends
People who surround us, those we meet and spend our time with, and those we cry out to when we are in pain.
But how do we choose them?
From what I saw from my short life: we are surrounded by friends cause we choose those who surround us. Most of us don't have the energy to put extra effort into new or to keep up the old friendships we have. We let them fade away. Cause we can replace them with new ones. Sounds harsh, but that is the truth. We can try to keep them up, but still we end up running out of time. There is only a certain amount of friends man can meet regularly. But that is allright that is just natural.
I am still in University, which is the place of loose friendships, occasional meets at courses afterwhich everyone goes along on his or her way of life. The people like I am usually try to make any bond harder than it actually has to be. Which makes others feel pushed by it, and make them run away.
That is the main reason why I am sitting at home at this time in the evening at a Saturday night as every Saturday night since I moved back from the country far away. In time I will get to the group of the former people, and have no time for outside friends anymore, but it will be okey cause this is how life is and this is how it has to be.
In the meanwhile I will keep putting on my mask of happyness everytime I leave these walls. And show others that I am still the old me who is happy all the time but sometimes can pull out a self who can talk about serious things. Eventough nowadays it is a bit the otherway around, and I start to loose myself in acting, not knowing where the mask begins and where do I start. But I guess it is going to be allright, because it always has been, and because it has to be.
#113
Tomorrow I leave forever..
Okey not forever but for five long month.
Yeah I will be around sometimes but only virtually.
I won't be able to feel people around me, look into their eyes or hear their voice, hug them when I feel homesick.
Yes it was my decision, but so many things were different then.
I wanted to run away cause I felt bad about the things that were around me, the people who were around me.
But now things changed, and I still have to go.. eventough I don't really want to.
I said everyone goodbye, but didn't tell them how much I'm going to miss them.
I wanted to be strong, and I didn't want to show my fear and emotions.
Now I wonder if that was the right thing to do.
I hope you will remember me when I get back, and I hope you will miss me at least half as much I will miss you all, and You (who never going to read this) especially.
I really hope that everything will be the same when I get back..
I wish I could take you with me. :(
#112
I know we are just friends,and so we are not supposed to talk about emotions,
and let you know how much I regret things I've done in the past.
Like falling in love with someone who never loved me back,
and still hoped for things to get better and change,
and ignoring everyone else around me, including you.
Or to tell you how I fell in love with someone,
and let him crush my ego to zero,
and still feel bad everytime I try to talk to him.
Or to let you know that I miss you,
and I miss him or I just miss someone who I can talk to,
and I miss the feeling that someone actually cares about what I have to say.
I know I should be grateful for having my friends,
and I should move on rather than digging myself deeper and deeper into depression,
and I realise I'm the only one who can change things around me.
But I guess I'm only an eeyore,
and I think the brick walls don't apply for humans it doesn't matter how much you love someone,
and if he doesn't want, you will never be loved back.
You were my only positive disappointment in this year,
and I know you didn't mean it, and don't want me to acknowledge that,
and I know I'm not supposed to tell you but you are important to me.
Not the way you used to be,
and not the way usual friends are,
and not the way special friends are.
But I can't really grasp what are you to me,
and I'm trying to figure it out for a while now
and I hope one day we will reach that point where I know.
I long for that day to come,
and I hope that you wait by my side,
and you will listen when I'm ready open up.
#111
"The Brick walls are there to show us how badly we want things."
"You only have to decide if you are a Tiger or an Eeyore."
Randy Pausch
#110
Braking from the usual days something changed within and around me
Unsetling feeling it is
Bit like you are in a shell
Blurred and unsharpened emotions and sensations
Like when you touch something in a glove : you don't exactly feel it
Extreme andweird it is in away cause I never felt anything like this before
#109
Massive Attack - Live with me
It don't matter, when you turn
Gonna Survive, you live and learn
I've been thinking about you, baby
By the light of dawn,
A midnight blue ... day and night ... I've been missing you.
I've been thinking about you, baby.
Almost makes me crazy,
Come and live with me.
Either way, Win or Lose,
When you're born into trouble,
You live the blues,
I've been thinking about you, baby.
See it almost makes me crazy
Times, Nothing's right, if you ain't here
I'll give all that I have, just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, I tried to, make it clear
You just don't believe that i'm sincere
I've been thinking about you, baby.
Plans and schemes, hopes and fears
Dreams that deny, for all these years
I, I've been thinking about you, baby
Living with me, wow
I've been thinking about you, baby
Makes me wanna
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Times, Nothing's right, if you ain't here
I'll give all that I have, just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, darling, tried to make it clear,
But you just don't believe that I'm sincere
I've been thinking about you, baby
I want you to live with me, wow
I've been thinking about you, baby
I want you to live with me
Thanks you out there :)
#108
Holding on to..
I know I shouldn't be mad at you.
I know you didn't deserve it.
but I just couldn't let it go, let you go.
so I kept holding on to my anger.
I was too proud to admit that I'm angry because of a fake illusion
cause if I'd tell you you would say OK and forget it, cause puzzle is solved.
Cause if you feel guilty you keep thinking about it.
I know I was being selfish.
I know I should've told you.
But it still wouldn't change much, would it?
I still feel decived, but now I feel hurt too.
Cause I opened up all you had to say was 'thanks for telling the reason'
Doesn't look like you care.. not like you ever did..
So you kind of slammed the open door into my face.
I know it's not your fault it's just the way you are.
I felt better hating you, cause I felt it was my decision.
Here am I with open wounds, with things I want to do, things I feel right doing, and the things others say I should do.
And doubts...
One thing is certainly good about anger, and that would be that it is constant.
You never ask yourself how I should do this? or do I have the right to do that?
Hate, anger, rage, wraith all the same and all are pure and simple.
But if once in your life you try to do the right thing: you are lost, within the solution.
Cause there is no such thing as the best solution.
It's either good for you or him or someone else, but never more than one.
And if you try to be selflesness and decide you'll do what he asked you to you end up :
suffering and left alone with your open wounds in the dark lonely island of desperation...
#107
To an imaginary ex-love.
For years, I wished for someone who understood me.
Then, you came along.
For years, I wished for someone I could love and releate to.
Then, I opened my eyes and see you like never before.
For years, I wished before I went to sleep that you'd see and love me too.
Then, you said you couldn't.
For years, I wished before I went to sleep thatI could wake up next to you and make you reconsider.
Then, I realised you won't ever, if no other then due your manly pride.
For a long time, I wished for someone I could trust again, cause I lost my trust in you in any way.
Then, someone came along.
For months, I wished before I went to sleep that he could love and releate to me.
Then I realised I'm not gonna be good enough for him (either).
Now, I wish when I go to sleep that you'd be here and defend me from him, and my own emotions.
Then I realised that eventough we hardly ever talk, you are here for me as a friend, even after all we been through, And you earned back my trust my friend :)
#106
It's done. Now you are officially out of my life deleted ereased everything that reminds me of you.
No I won't forget the past but I will remember only to the bad things about you.
I tried to explain but you can't or won't understand.
You think if you explain it everything gets better.
But if you break someone's arm and weeks later you say 'I was drunk thats why I did it'
It will still hurt, explanation is not enough, saying sorry is not enough.
Especially cause, I can't trust your honesty anymore.
I really did try my best to forgive you,
but I can't there are no second second chances sorry.
#105
Heart shaped blood stain#104
All memories are traces of tears.
-2046
#103
There is nothing to discuss,
we are workmates colleagues at the most.
You give orders and I make them happen,
I'm the puppet so you can be a master.
That's all we are, were and ever will be.
#102
personal point of view:
Humans have a certain amount of trust, as a community, and as an invidiual. The only thing that changes that they(we) vary the people we trust in. Someone gets out of the loop(forever) someone (I never thought of) might get back in. Strange..